Oh HELL to the NO!

I am a tad bit on the heated side tonight, mainly because I feel so violated by someone who I thought was a friend, but proved himself to be the creepy guy I felt he was when I first met him.

Last night, I went to karaoke with some friends, and I was sitting at my seat drinking my Liquid Marijuana (a really fruity bluish green drink that is pretty potent). My friends went outside to smoke, so I sat at the bar with my second mama, and I was answering a text when I felt hands over my eyes. Then I feel seductive kissing on my neck, and that was nice. Then I saw who it was and I felt violated because I've REPEATEDLY told him I am not attracted to him, I'm not interested, he's not my type. And when I told him how repulsed I was by what he did, he got this sick smile on his face and he said......

"You enjoyed it!"

Boys and girls, let me give you something to marinate on. When a woman, or a man for that matter, tells a person that they are not attracted to them, DO NOT molest them. Do not put parts of your body on them and then sit back and be smug. It's disrespectful, and it's not welcomed.  The fact that he could sit there and say that to me every time I told him I did not want that from him, tells me that he doesn't care about others boundaries. It's also the mindset of a rapist. And it's exactly the words my rapist used on me afterwards when I was in the fetal position crying.

The fact that he could not get that what he did is wrong proves to me my first impression of him was spot on. I met him months prior at another Karaoke place, and my first initial impression after talking to him was that he was creepy, and he's trouble, and to watch it. Then, he shows up at my favorite Karaoke place and he seemed different somehow, and was mellower. I got a different vibe, so I let my guard down. Well, FUCK THAT!!!!!  He better PRAY he doesn't come talk to me because I'm going to let him have it. And he better keep his hands off me, or I'm breaking his fingers.

Thanks to last night, I've decided that I am leaving the LS for awhile. Granted, he's not in the LS and that this is completely unrelated, but it shows me that I am not ready for this. I'm going to walk away now before I do something that is going to get me hurt, and maybe later I will revisit things and come back.

I want the Unicorn dammit

As a woman, I want so many things in life. I want the best for my son, I want to have a career that will have longevity and where I can make a difference (I already have this part), I want to be financially secure, and I want to be loved by a man who has care for me and has my best interests at heart just as much as I have his. Basically, in the case of the last part, I want the damn unicorn.

Personally, I don't think they exist. I've been in far to many relationships, and have been burned so far down to my core that all that's left is scar tissue. I finally am beginning to blossom, and have confidence, and for the most part I have accepted who I am and what I'm about. HOWEVER, I know from experience that no matter how many times I reassure a guy that just because I enjoy certain things, it doesn't mean I love him any less if he's not into it. If I truly love someone, I can set aside some things I enjoy for the betterment of our relationship. You would think that a man would accept that and move the fuck on. In reality, men get really insecure and it makes a relationship that much harder.

I am 46 years old, I DO NOT play games. If I am on a date, I state what it is that I am about and what it is I am looking for. I don't like to waste anyone's time and I certainly don't like to have my time wasted. I always thought that honesty and being open about things was a good thing, but it turns out that men either are excited that I'm being so upfront, or they run like gazelles being chased by a leopard. It's frustrating, because I don't know how to be any different. I've tried being coy, I've tried playing hard to get, I've even tried deflecting conversations back to the guy so the focus is on him. I HATED it. It feels like lying to me, and I don't like that feeling. 

Just once, and yeah as a sub this really isn't going to work, but as a woman it's what I want. Just once, I would like to meet a man who isn't scared by a woman who says what she wants. I would like to meet a man who understands my needs in some ways, and isn't afraid to discuss them. I would like to meet a man who isn't afraid to love openly and unabashedly. A man who wants nothing more than to kiss me, and I mean kiss me like it's the last time he's ever going to kiss me. The kind of kiss that makes me go weak in the knees and melt into the floor. The kind of kiss that gives just a hint of a promise of what's to come. I want a man who can look into my eyes and really see me. I want a man who wants a relationship based on trust, communication, lust AND love. I want it ALL, but yet I feel I am no closer to that than I was before.That, for me, is the elusive Unicorn.

So, while I don't believe that Unicorns exist, I'm still going to keep one eye out for him

Dear God, it's me Jules.......and I'm PISSED OFF

Today was a fairly decent day. Work was busy, but good and I had a great conversation with a coworker. However, all of that changed when my son informed me our beloved Gene Wilder, the man who made many a great movie in the 80's, but is best known for playing Willy Wonka, has passed away. Seriously God, WHAT...THE...FUCK!!!! Why, why, WHY are you taking all the greats in the acting, comedy, and music world, and leaving people like Justin Bieber behind, someone who has made no contribution to society, other than to be a talentless schmuck.

It was bad enough that you took Robin Williams, David Bowie, Natalie Cole, and Denise Matthews (Vanity), but then you had to go and take Prince and Alan Rickman. I'm seriously getting pissed at seeing celebrities with absolutely NO TALENT, or any sort of contribution to society (The Kardashian's anyone), yet these brilliant, amazing, philanthropic, talented, human beings are being plucked from the earth.

You even took one of the Eagles out, Mr. Glen Frey and Lemmy Kilmister. Lemmy, who is a GOD in the eyes of many metalheads, and you just took him. You even took the dude from Punky Brewster, who adopted her pretty much, just took him away.

You even took author Harper Lee, who wrote one of the greatest novels of every generation, and a novel every person had to read in high school. And, you didn't play favorites God, you took people from every aspect: athletes, musicians, comedians, authors, actors, if there was a category you took them.

Granted, yes many of them were ill, but dammit God, you have GOT TO STOP taking all the talented people off this earth. You are leaving us with nothing. And, yes this is a rant. And, yes I know I don't know these people. However, they brought joy into the hearts of those who got to witness their greatness.

If you don't stop soon God, 2016 is going to be remembered as the year greatness died.

Last day of the Y requirement.

Sunday August 28, 2016

Dear Diary,

So, today is the last day of the requirement and I'm not sure how I feel. I've been coming off this stupid Sub drop, and I'm still feeling emotional. It's got me questioning if I'm even cut out for this. I mean, I love the LS, I love the community I've found and the friends I've made, but if this one instance is going to affect me so badly, what does that mean? I just don't know, all I know is that right now any sort of physical contact (including my own) is physically painful and it makes me start crying. I've avoided any sort of conversation with anyone today because I don't want to start crying again.

So, earlier today I went to my sister's house and helped my son with his college applications. That in and of itself is enough to make me cry. He's so smart, but he's now undecided as he's not sure if he wants to take a political science major route, or if he wants to go into aerospace engineering with a minor in computer science. Currently, he's thinking that he wants to get a job working in Washington, DC in some sort of political arena. I'm totally proud.

I came home, and worked on my two days of blogging since I couldn't find my journal and didn't want to buy a new one. My handwriting sucks ass anyway, so typing is much easier anyway. I decided to order pizza since I had a free one from Papa Johns and watched a movie called XOXO. It's like Lollapalooza meets Rave. It actually made me want to go dancing at a club, and I don't dance.

So, now it's almost 11:00 pm and I'm about to go to sleep. I think I'm going to keep blogging, it's been pretty therapeutic. I may not do it every day, but I know it's here waiting for me like a warm blanket or my cat.

Saturday....the drop continues

Saturday August 27, 2016

Dear Diary,

Yesterday, I woke up and I am feeling depressed, and still overstimulated. If I could have walked around naked I would have because clothing was even too much for my body. I talked to Y, and he gave me some orders, which sent me into a burst of tears. Crying is not something I enjoy doing. Yes, I cry during movies or if a song that touches my soul comes on, but I do not like showing that side of myself to people. I feel weak and vulnerable, and I do NOT like letting people know that. I would rather be that tough girl and show no emotion, than to lower my guard and be hurt.

For the rest of the day, I was fluctuating between bursts of crying and feeling down. So, I did what I normally do when I feel like this, I took my mom out for karaoke with me. Singing, for me, is like a balm that soothes my soul. It heals me, and I know I have a decent voice. It's the one thing I am confident in. It's something that I love, and when I am at my lowest, when I feel like I am never going to be okay, a song will come on that makes it better.

So, we went to a sports bar and ordered food and waited for Karaoke to start. My friends L, D, and T (I am not going to post full names) came and hung out with my mom and I. It really raised my spirits and while I still felt a little shaky and vulnerable, I knew I was over the hump.

I dropped my mom off, texted Y, as he asked, and let him know that I was home and going to sleep.

Tonight was exactly what I needed. It was a night where I didn't stress, and I was that happy person I was before the party.

Sub Drop is NO JOKE

Friday August 26, 2016

Dear Diary,

So, I am still at the party and I have come upstairs and that is when everything came crashing down. My friend, along with the Dom immediately knew what was happening to me and that is I was dropping.

Sub Drop is different for each person. For me, it felt like a panic attack. Imagine you are sky diving as a two person team. You jump from the airplane tethered to another person. You feel the rush of endorphin, the adrenaline flowing through your veins and you feel almost euphoric. A high that just guts you to your core. As you free fall from the sky, you can see the ground coming at you and that rush intensifies. Then, you land and are no longer tethered to that person. The adrenaline is no longer there, that rush of endorphins is depleting and you feel almost sick. You feel hot and cold, you are sweating, and that is pretty much what Sub Drop feels like.

So, I first notice that the room looks hazy and I can hear people talking, but it's like I am underwater. My hands are like claws and I am shaking. I can't breathe, I can't focus, and I want to run away. So, the Dom tells me exactly what is going on, and makes me maintain eye contact. He said this is perfectly normal and to focus on my breathing. My friend grabs a bottle of water and a cupcake for me and we sit on the couch. He said that they are going to stay with me on that couch and hold me until the drop subsides. They rub my head, they cuddle me, they tell me what a good pet I was and they are so proud of me. They hugged me and made me eat, and it was the safest place I'd ever been. The drop eventually subsides, and I am feeling well enough to go home.

Dear Diary, my requirement from Y.

So, when I was younger I used to keep a diary. I wrote in that damn thing every day and I loved it. Today, we now blog as our way of journaling and I think it's a wonderful idea. This journal, so to speak,is my requirement from Y. I'm going to use this as my diary.So, I am going to preface my posts as Dear Diary.....enjoy


Friday August 26, 2016

Dear Diary,

This is my first homework assignment from Y. I have to have a diary documenting my weekend.

Went to my first Fetish party, and I actually enjoyed myself for the most part. I was very nervous going in because I had never been to one, and had no idea what to expect. I found that the people there were very nice, and fun to talk to. It really felt like a normal party, with snacks and non-alcoholic beverages. It's only when you go downstairs that you realize it's a BDSM party.

The home has two dungeons actually, one on the top floor and one in the basement. I only went to the one in the basement and I saw a lot of things I'd not been exposed to before. I am a submissive, with little tendencies, but I have only been in the LS for three months. I'm still learning how the dynamics work and I don't want to overstep boundaries.

So, I was asked if I wanted to be part of a scene, and at first I said no to a few people. Not that I didn't want to, I just was not ready at the time. A very nice ginger Dom asked me, and he's Dommed one of my very good friends so I said okay. I let him know my boundaries, and that I had never done this. He respected me, and he used a rubber type implement and then a paddle with a softer side to it. At first, I was scared and I did tear up a bit....but then something strange happened.

After he got me to yellow (still okay, but change things up) the first time, I went into this zone. I felt like I was looking down at my body going through this. It was erotic, and I did enjoy the sensations, but at a certain point it was too much for me and I did stop the scene. He asked if I needed aftercare, and I really thought I didn't. I felt fine, and I started watching other scenes. It was very eye opening, but I started to feel overwhelmed and I went upstairs.

To be continued.....